In one of those high-handed moves for which cellphone companies are famous, Cingular Wireless is about to ding you an extra five bucks a month for using an old phone.

Let’s see… 4.7 million old cellers times $5 equals… well… a whole lot of money. Most will either pay more or scurry in for a new phone. Come September, it’s a huge win-win for Cingular.

Cingular complains that a few sticks-in-the-mud are holding 3G back by clinging to 20 year-old phones (which likely makes the equipment two years older than most of Cingular’s salespeople and sixty years younger than the holdouts). Expect others to follow Cingular’s lead.

But what about the so-called holdouts? Picture a granny who just traded her double-decade nine-button behemoth for the latest feature-laden postage stamp. With the phone in her left hand, and a magnifying glass in her right, she punches the buttons with her nose. Every so often, she stumbles into some damnable feature, which forces her to shut the blasted thing off and start over again.

Don’t laugh. You’ll find your way to the downside of Life’s bell curve soon enough, where fancy menus are often inscrutable, little buttons are invisible, and Feature-Rich is a warning to Stay Away.

Nevertheless, if you’re a cell company like Cingular, the elderly come with their own feature set: Once you hook ‘em, they stay hooked. They’ll pay your monthly fee forever… on time… without beating up your bandwidth. And best of all, there will soon be zillions of them… the hair is starting to sprout from the lengthening noses of Baby Boomers.

You might think these facts are enough to trigger a race for simplified, featureless cell phones sporting huge, easy to read and press buttons.

Wrong.

Beyond hearing aid compatibility, current offerings from US providers seem to be aimed at kids.

Hearing Aid? Check the M Rating

Any owner can tell you that hearing aids don’t always play well with cellphones. That’s why the American National Standards Institute (ANSI) came up with its hearing aid compatibility standard. Phones with an M3 rating satisfy ANSI’s standard and those with an M4 rating exceed it. A phone that matches the M rating of your hearing aid should work for you. Just set your hearing aid to microphone-mode, then listen before you leap. Any cell store that won’t let you listen to a cellphone before signing up isn’t compatible with your need.

Although none of these phones offered by Verizon Wireless are otherwise elderly-friendly, they meet the M rating standards: Blackberry 7250, Kyocera KX1v, LG Migo VX1000, LG VX3300, LG VX4700, LG VX5200, LG VX8100, LG The V, Motorola E815, Motorola V276, Palm Treo 650, Samsung SCH-a630, Samsung SCH-a850, Samsung SCH-n330.

Cingular says LG CG300, LG C2000, LG CG300, Motorola V3, Nokia 6102h, Nokia 6061, Samsung ZX10 are rated M3, while Samsung D307 is rated M4.

Speed-Dial-Only Handsets

Those with few outbound calling needs, may want to consider speed-dial only handsets.

Ignore The Kiddie Colors
Verizion's Migo VX1000

LG’s Migo VX1000 is designed for CDMA networks, like Sprint and Verizon. It has just four large speed-dial buttons and a 911 key. Hearing-impaired grandpas will appreciate its full-duplex speaker and vibrate mode. And wandering seniors will benefit from Verizon’s edition, with its built-in GPS (Granny Positioning System)… whether they know it or not. Sprint offers a similar Migo.

Firefly is a comparable product for GSM nets, like Cingular and T-Mobile. While Firefly does not include GPS, it does let you set up 20 speed-dial numbers and restrict incoming calls to those on your whitelist.

The Shape of Things To Come?

Kyocera’s TU KA-S was designed for the elderly from the ground up. It sports big, clearly labeled buttons, and an ON/OFF power switch. Its case is built for grippability, an important consideration for those suffering from arthritis, carpal tunnel or other maladies that suppress dexterity. No instruction manual is required, because it has no user-programmable features at all.

Not Yet?
Kyocera TU KA-S

A hidden pleasure springs from this lack of electronic enhancement. Kyocera’s TU KA-S can listen for calls for up to 35 days on a single charge. On the other hand, chattering will cost you. After a four hour gabfest, you’ll be looking for a wall socket.

LG’s NS1000 is similarly configured.

Unfortunately, the TU KA-S is available only in Japan, and the NS1000 requires a Korean address… until somebody makes a ruckus.

Doing It The Hard Way.

After a fruitless search, I used magic markers to color-code Nokia’s Klingon keys for my octogenarian mother, then drew up a huge, matching graphic she could actually see.

Confusing Klingon Buttons
Color code Nokia's symbolic keys for easier recognition.

Why don’t US providers offer a big button cellphone that uses 3G technology?

Perhaps it all comes down to age. The marketers haven’t been exposed to enough of it.