A data analyst for the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) took the most private details of our vets home on his laptop. All 26.5 million names, Social Security Numbers, dates of birth, disability ratings… Even some spouses.

It was bad enough when millions of souls unknowingly depended on this unauthorized diceroll with their lives.

But when the dice came up snake-eyes, the situation became immeasurably worse. In May 2006, the data was… stolen… from the employee’s home.

Authorities are using every available public forum to scream at the top of their lungs, “IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THE PERPETRATORS REMAIN UNAWARE OF THE INFORMATION WHICH THEY POSSESS OR OF HOW TO MAKE USE OF IT.”

This insiteful security-by-obscurity technique is currently the only obstacle protecting 26.5 MILLION VETERANS AND SOME SPOUSES from identity theft. We’re working with idiots here.

In case you can’t find anybody smarter to help you, the VA has set up a manned call center to tell you how to protect your identity… hopefully, from the VA. That toll free number is 1-800-FED INFO (1-800-333-4636). The call center will operate from 8 am to 9 pm (EDT), Monday-Saturday as long as vets will tolerate it. Here’s what you’ll be told:

The Department of Veterans Affairs is asking all veterans to be extra vigilant and to carefully monitor bank statements, credit card statements and any statements relating to recent financial transactions. If you notice unusual or suspicious activity, you should report it immediately to the financial institution involved and contact the Federal Trade Commission for further guidance.

The Federal Trade Commission recommends the following four steps if you detect suspicious activity:

Step 1 - Contact the fraud department of one of the three major credit bureaus:

  • Equifax: 1-800-525-6285; www.equifax.com; P.O. Box 740241, Atlanta, GA 30374-0241
  • Experian: 1-888-EXPERIAN (397-3742); www.experian.com; P.O. Box 9532, Allen, Texas 75013
  • TransUnion: 1-800-680-7289; www.transunion.com; Fraud Victim Assistance Division, P.O. Box 6790, Fullerton, CA 92834-6790

Step 2 - Close any accounts that have been tampered with or opened fraudulently.

Step 3 - File a police report with your local police or the police in the community where the identity theft took place.

Step 4 - File a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission by using the FTC’s Identity Theft Hotline by telephone: 1-877-438-4338, online at www.consumer.gov/idtheft, or by mail at Identity Theft Clearinghouse, Federal Trade Commission, 600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC 20580.

Importantly, the analyst didn’t manage to cram any health records or financial data onto the computer. So any sex change secrets or bankruptcies remain safe with you, as the government has probably misplaced them.